leclare's blog

Notes from NYC

A strange combination of happiness, shock, a sense of responsibility and shock again stirs.

My trip to the U.S has been fun so far but if you can believe it, I'm stuck doing things. And while I'd love to clear my mind of the usual stuff (that causes me stress), I'm forced to keep on track with uni stuff and writing stuff. I kind of wish I could pause stuff, run back to my familiar routine, my familiar desk, my familiar way of getting wired, writing, then getting wired again in order to finish things and then transport myself back to NYC and carry on with the holiday stuff - - I would.

But no one's thought of a way to pause life yet, so I've got no choice.

In the meantime, I've been inspired. New York is so diverse and it's true, I think, when they say 'you have to live in New York at least once.' It's dirty, it's crazy busy and it's bustling with up-and-comings and so much history. Every cliche you've read and heard is true. I can't add anything new to what's already been written about this city. It's great and I haven't even seen half of it - - I've probably seen even less than a quarter of what it has to offer.

Until next time!

Tomorrow I Leave. . .

But before that even happens, I need to finish writing my blog entries for my editing & design class, work on a "simulation game" and get the bulk of an arts article I'm writing done. And then there's the rest of the packing I should have but haven't done.

So why am I on this?

I find that I usually calm down when I write things down or in this case, write on this blog.

I'm super-stressed. The kind of stress that results in being non-productive. I have been working, if not working, interning, if not interning doing uni work or at uni. If not that, I'm catching up with friends. And I know the last one sounds kind of leisurely but it feels a bit like work - when it shouldn't right? Last week, I finished up my internship and that was a sad day. I need to find a new one. And I guess I'm all stressed about what I'm going to do when I get back. There's job applications to write and send. There's relationship mending to do. And the most suckiest thing . . . is I have to find a way to let go of stuff that I've been holding onto out of sheer comfort. I don't want to make executive decisions. It's tough. But life is pulling me in a certain direction. . . and while I'm going to embrace it, I'm also sad about leaving things behind.

I'm waffling now. But that's what's been going down. I hope to come back refreshed and ready to tackle more challenges. And make decisions.

Life Lately

Last week seems like a complete blur. Mostly because I was deliriously lacking in sleep.

I have been fortunate enough to find casual work (woo) but due to this unexpected turn, I've had to reschedule my "work on assessments" time. This resulted in a zombie-like existence which resulted in some crazy ass talk, which resulted in me wanting to shut myself up because I was saying embarrassing things to people, including my editor. Oops.

That's okay, I plan to get some sleep this week and hold it together when I need to be professional!

I'm working until I leave for the U.S (in 2.5 weeks) - and between then and now, I have studying and 3 major assignments due. Woo! Fun! (more like Gulp)

On a side note:

I'm growing my hair long again, I'm getting some 3M stickers to hang pics in my room and I'm dying my hair soon.

When I'm Pissed Off

I do one of two things.

I either sook to my parents and my sister wanting a) their advice and b) their sympathy. I just want arms wrapped around me to tell me it's going to be okay.

But this often doesn't work. I get told I'm selfish and I think of only myself. I'm told I have the wrong thinking without further explanation or any words to help me understand why I'm being a selfish bitch. I'm not going to dispute the fact that I may be a selfish bitch at times. But you can't expect me to understand that I am one when that is all you're telling me and shutting me out. I don't understand why I'm being irrational when you dismiss my emotional state as selfish - ALL THE TIME.

So if I don't do this, I cry and sook in my room, into my pillow and with my door shut.

I guess having parents who grew up in a different place and in a different society doesn't help. I'm typical Gen-Y. I need love. I need gentle words. And sometimes I will be downright selfish and mean and experiencing various forms of self-pity. And I'm sorry when I do. But for once, will you just throw your arms around me and tell me I'll be okay?

That's all I really want to hear.

I'm afraid of being alone. I don't remember what it's like to have one person to yourself, to comfort you, to love you unconditionally. I've never had that and I worry I will never know what it's like. Some people may react to this differently. But you have to understand, since I was a little girl...all I ever wanted was a Prince Charming. All I want is someone to love.

I know I'm one of the good ones. I know I have a good heart, integrity, talent and I can be whoever the fuck I want to be. What shame would it be if I didn't use my talent? I'm strong and caring and I know one day, someone will love me. But there will be times when this won't be so clear to me and I fold. I give into self-pity and think awful things.

I just want to be reminded. To be appreciated. To be given some reassurance that one day someone will love me. Because I know I'm one of the good ones. I will not live a life where I let it all pass-by. I want certain things in life. But most of all, I want LOVE.

Oh Bless!

This is why Twitter gets so much love:

Twitter, you are so thoughtful

They always have interesting error screens or screens that say something other than "page could not load..."

How great.

For all the recent graduates or poor gen Y'ers like me

I have so much to be thankful for. Like the fact that I've got a place to stay; access to food and shelter. I have a car that will take me from A to B, family and friends who support me (I hope) when I'm going through crappy times.

I'm one of the lucky ones because there's always a way out for me.

But there are some people who have found themselves in the same situation as I who live on their own or have had to move back home because they can't afford to pay rent. And God help the people who don't have anywhere they can move back to.

With all the whinging, the kicking and screaming I do because I'm poor and I ran out of money to pay for my petrol this evening, I'm still finding reasons to be thankful because I have NO RIGHT to be upset. I am one of the lucky ones.

I don't want to get too comfortable with this situation though. And I'm not. I wish I could pay my own bills, I wish I could contribute to my groceries and pay for my own toiletries (at the very least). I wish I could pay for the electricity bills and the internet bills (because God knows how much of that I use). But I can't be proud. And it's not like I haven't tried to find a job.

I didn't go sooking to my parents about my bills. They had to force the truth out of me. And I hated them knowing at first, but at some point, I had to stop being proud.

So yeah, I am one of the lucky ones.

There is a whole generation out there - recent grads and young gen Y'ers who lost their jobs to the recent global recession. And I know that right now, it seems so gritty and like we're too young to feel like we have to watch what we do with our money. Right now it might seem that some of us are being exploited by working for free (out of sheer desperation and to keep up with competition). But this shit is just going to make us stronger and better and more appreciative of everything.

Hell yeah I couldn't afford dinner one night at uni, hell yeah I spent that dinner money on printing out my assignment - and I am investing 2.5 days out of my week WORKING and not getting paid for it.

This is going to make me a better person and if you think just because I'm 24 and I still live at my parents' house and I'm not paying for vacations overseas - - all of this makes me pathetic. Don't judge. I KNOW I'm lucky and I'm grateful to the core for it. Just don't judge and realise that I'm making sacrifices too.

I realise there are people that live in actual poverty. I can only speak for myself and people in a similar situation to myself. There are bigger problems happening in the world, I know. I'm just saying. 

Sacrifices

Wow I feel so helpless. And I can't help but lament on all the awesomeness I will be missing out on - yet again!

I know I've been laying low in the festival scene (I don't go to everything - gosh, I had money to burn when I was younger) and it's been easier this past summer, as I don't really feel I'm missing out on much. I might have mentioned this before, but I prefer the intimacy of smaller gigs. However, I've always wanted to go on a road trip and camp out under the stars, while chilling out to great music.

Enter Splendour in the Grass 2010. Absolutely kills me.

Look at the awesome line-up:

Goldfrapp

Jonsi

Ash

Scissor Sisters

The Ting Tings

Hot Chip

Ben Harper and the Relentless 7

We Are Scientists

The Strokes

Pixies

Broken Social Scene

The Drums

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Yeasayer

Mumford and Sons

The Temper Trap

Band Of Horses

Passion Pit

Florence and the Machine

Foals

School Of Seven Bells

The Magic Numbers

Angus and Julia Stone

Empire Of The Sun

Wolfmother

Operator Please

Last Dinosaurs

Ernest Ellis

Tim and Jean

Yacht Club DJs

Lisa Mitchell

Midnight Juggernauts

The Vines

Space Invadas

British India

Yes, I'm quietly sobbing. Because I know I cannot afford this.

But in another time, another place (but the same line-up) - I would have been there Splendour, I would have been there. I know I've already seen some . . . but all in one place?! Nevah!

P.S This week is nuts.

Deadline Week

This week is going to be really challenging for me. I'm working on three different stories and all have this week as the deadline. I honestly don't know how I can fit in working, although I really need income.

But I'm not losing out because all of this is just going to be a learning experience. I will need this experience under my belt when I finish Uni. I feel like a crazy woman who always talks about the same old boring thing on here: my studies, my goals, career stuff. I think I need to keep talking about it to keep myself motivated. At the end of the day, I'm not sacrificing 2 years of being tied to Uni and being poor for nothing.

Oh man, bracing myself for a long night/week.

Hope everyone has a lovely week. :)

Feeling Lucky

Finallllly handed in my report. The website was fine today so I ended up analysing it. YAY.

On the down-side, I almost ate my hand (exaggeration) because I ran out of money to buy some dinner . . . And I left my spoon at home so I couldn't eat the corn in a can I packed - lol, love that shit.

And I ran out of money because it cost me $7.40 to print out 7 pages of my assignment in colour. I was short 40 cents, but the awesome lady let it slide so technically, it cost me $7 (expensive for ink on a paper).

And booo to feeling icky this morning - missed out on interning today :( Hope I didn't miss much.

Hmm, I feel like a true, gritty Uni student - haven't felt that in a while lols. You know, you spend all day stressing and writing and then you run out of money to buy food. Oh sweet times.

To procrastinate is to . . .

Someone finish off that title for me? I was hoping to end up with something witty or whatever, but that aint happening!

So I just wanted to say that I have an assignment due tomorrow (an analysis of the print and online versions of a publication) and I haven't finished. In fact I don't know if I can. I'm interning tomorrow and then I have to turn my paper in before class at 6PM. But the problem is that the website I am supposed to be analysing is "down". The links don't work and I keep getting error messages.

I already emailed my tutor this afternoon to let her know I was having difficulty accessing the website. It's much too late to change publications - and I've done most of the print stuff.

I don't know what's going to happen. I'm hoping the site gets fixed ASAP.

Internet gods, please help me with this.