leclare's blog

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Hmmmph!

This is going to sound like some drastic emo shit but I'm totally annoyed today. Feels like my shit is caving in on me. Is this normal? Every time I get slightly happy, something fucks up and things turn to shit.

And I'm so annoyed at my sister. To be fair, yes, I was acting pissy for a while after the fact -- but I'm the type of person that needs to let things simmer. At the time, I was really annoyed because she continually does/says things that feel disrespectful to me. I know I am her friend as well as her sister but cut me some slack and stop being a jerk to me in front of other people. That's what I hate. The stuff she says in front of other people. I'm not some idiot. You need to respect me.

I really wanted today to be a good day but it has turned out quite the opposite. I don't mind paying for stuff for my sister and being a little broke because of it. That's why I didn't back out of today. But she really did annoy me when she disregarded my comment (that I said only so I could help her). Like that shit aint cool.

And the other thing is I feel like this mission to change myself physically is useless. I'm not trying to gloat or anything but I've lost a lot of weight. I'm not skinny by any means and would still love to lose a lot more but I can wear things I stopped wearing for about a year. And I thought that would make me feel better about myself. But it didn't. And now I'm devising all these ways to change the way I look. Starting with hair and doing my nails and getting a new wardrobe.

But even if I've only done (but not yet completed) the weight and hair thing, I feel like it's not going to help at all. I feel like I'm in high school - all the little insecurities I got over when I was 19 have resurfaced. Stupid things like hating the way my teeth protrude or my tiny hands and feet. The fact that my sister has and always will be physically more beautiful than me. I grew up feeling that she was just so much more beautiful than me. And I can look at that objectively and say yes, it's true to the normal passer-by. But I got over that because I told myself that the term "beautiful" is subjective and changes when you get to know a person. So I accepted that and stopped being envious because she is my sister. But for some reason, it's been playing in my mind lately and I don't know why.

I feel so ugly. I feel so uninteresting and that no guy will like me because I'm turning 25 and I'm aging and I have nothing to show for my life. I feel like every stage is a battle and I need to watch myself when I say I'm happy because the next thing you know, I change and I don't feel so happy anymore.
 

Catch Up

It's been a while since I've done one of these "things I've been up to" blog entries. So bear with me and I'll try my best to get through stuff without being too boring or whatever haha.

So I have to admit, I've been pre-occupied by other things. When will I learn really? I don't think I've been out of control, I've just been well distracted. And that sucks because I really can't afford to be too distracted due to my uni commitments and bigger plans.

In the past few weeks I've been more social than usual. I don't know what clicked in me but something obviously did. For the majority of this year, I've calmed down considerably and I'd probably say I did disappear a lot. Basically I didn't go out as much as I used to. I've been low on funds, working or busy with uni commitments. It's so weird because in this short time I've been in social slumber, things have changed and a little part of me is afraid that certain friends, relationships and things I'm generally used to, are drifting from me.

I know it's natural for things to change, but this time I kind of feel like the rug has been swept up from underneath me. And I can either stay put and watch things move away from me or I move along with it. I don't want to stay. I want to move. But is it at all possible to move but continue to hold ground? I want to because I really need to NOT fuck uni up.

I've realised certain things about certain friendships too. And that makes me sad. I don't want to be all dramatic and final about stuff but I suppose the only thing I can do is allow nature to take its course.

The other thing is I went on a casual date with a dude who is very cute. But unlike other guys I have blogged about, I won't blog about this guy because basically, he doesn't make the cut into my stupid blog lol. It's like that book High Fidelity - basically if I had a list of top 5 dude experiences, he wouldn't make the cut. I suppose all I can say about that is it was a shock getting back (or attempting to) into the "game." Whatever the game is. I don't know, I surrender. It's too much work for me right now.

And I totally thought I would talk about stuff I've been up to but I'm being cagey. Guess I can't bring myself to go into detail really.

But despite all of this, I'm really thankful for where my life is at. It's a bit shit. I'm challenged by stuff all the time. But really, it's all pretty sweet. Got my friends, got my family, got my lovely doggies and I'm doing pro-active career stuff. All good in my hood for now.

xoxo

Saw a cute couple on the train

OMG, I need to be in a cute relationship. You know the kind where the guy protects you and stuff and makes sure you have a seat on the train? Oh man that would be so handy.

And the kind of guy that can drive you around places. Not everywhere. Just occasionally. So I can have a glass of wine or 2 when I'm out. Oh sigh oh sigh.

Am I living in the wrong city or what? lol

Happy, but not content

If you can believe me, it's been such a long time since I've felt this happy.

Every time I'm happy, it's for a different reason. I used to always associate it with one thing. I'll be honest with you. For me, happy was always associated with love. And by love, I meant being in a relationship. Only one other time I felt this happy without it being because of "love" or being in a relationship. But still, this is different. It's like I'm happy with myself.

I probably haven't represented women very well on that whole dating/relationships front. Coz to be completely honest, the last person I sincerely liked was one of my closest friends and it didn't turn out. I still haven't told him I had any feelings for him. But it's best left in the past because . . . why ruin a good friendship when there's nothing I want more than just that?

But as I was saying, I'm actually, truly, happy. And it has been such a long time. I would even go so far as to state that the last 2 years have been the hardest times so far.

I'm nowhere near accomplished or satisfied. I'm just thankful and glad that at this very moment, I feel like I'm in a position to really build everything I've been working towards.

And because this is such a rare feeling, I wanted to write this down and remember it.

I'm so happy that I've got the right people around me, supporting me even when I'm a shit house friend who never has any money to "go out". I'm so glad my mind is not as dreamy and distracted (wait I'm never going to stop being distracted lol) as it used to be. I had a good, solid streak doing the partying and I will probably go back to that. But I'm so glad I've learnt to balance shit. And not go to every single thing there is to go to (which always fueled my tendency to be distracted). I love my dogs, I love my family and I've got some direction and drive . . . fuck I love life (cooorrrrnyyyy).

I'm sorry to dwell on this but I just want to cherish everything in written form. I'm notorious for forgetting, so this is how I keep my thoughts hehe.

Wish Listing # 2

You would think that I've had enough of shopping since I did a lot of that in the States.

But I've got an annoying urge to shop!

Let's face it, shopping in the U.S is the shiet. People in Sydney don't know what a real sale is until they've shopped in the States. I do love our clothes here, but I "get it" now. My old managers (British) used to go on about how much the shopping here is "limited." I wouldn't say it's limited - more like, expensive.

The stuff we pay for that is cheap, really is . . . cheap. We're missing chain stores like H & M, Zara and Mango. H & M in comparison to our "cheapo" chain stores at least have good stock in terms of material and quality. The other thing we are severely missing out on is the array of choices when it comes to good quality handbags. There are factory outlets readily available for good buys in the U.S. And whilst we have factory outlets here too, the stock that ends up there are from 2 seasons back (if not older). Sad times.

Now that rant is out of the way, here's a rough wish list. I should be saving, so apart from my naughty velvet blazer purchase today, I shall be wishing again:

1. Shit for my room for example: stuff to sort my earrings in, more wardrobe compartments (especially somewhere to put my stockings in - damn that stuff breaks easily (or I must have really crappy legs that I break everything)), a vintage wall mirror, new study table/desk, new lamp-ish thing, a working TV, new bed, new shelves . . . this list can go on.

2. LIPSTICK dammnit.

3. Apple TV? hehe in lieu of my non-working digital set top box

4. A business shirt kind of like this:

Nice shirt . . . wanna dance?

5. Keds:

Champion Madras Plaid Keds

Now, now, I sound greedy . . . but just getting my mind off my inability to spend! Which is dumb and ironic coz I'm achieving the exact opposite.

Find Your Love

I fall in love with shit too easily.

Like when I first went to Melbourne, I thought for sure I was going to move there.

Then I went back to the Philippines after a long time of not going back and I thought I would move there too.

Now I'm listening to all these American songs my cousin would listen to in his car because it reminds me of the States.

One particular one I've had on repeat is "Find Your Love" by Drake (he is so hot right now). At first I only liked the beat etc. and the fact that it reminds me of the States. But now that I've listened to the words, I'm liking the egotistic tone of it... "I'm more than just an option." HELL YEAH haha.

I just haven't felt like that in such a long time. You know, confident and sure of myself when it comes to guys. And I don't know where in my life "love" would fit blah blah. I'm still so damn selfish. But like I always say, it would be nice.

Chinatown, San Francisco

Trying to enjoy our last few days here in beautiful San Francisco. One thing that always strikes me about this city is how clean and pleasant to look at it is. It does remind me a bit of Sydney.

I've been looking forward to going home, especially to see the dogs. I miss them so much! But now that we're here, I'm feeling somewhat sad to leave because I've enjoyed the time we've spent with family and I know it could be a while until we come back. Fingers crossed I will find a way to return. I'm also getting sad at the thought of all the things on my to-do list.

There's only two more weeks of semester break when I return and I'm already bracing myself for hermit-study-work times ahead!

But other than that, I'm looking forward to seeing friends, family, eating healthy food, getting back into exercise and good coffee. I miss my coffee!

Chinatown

My Sister

I often fight with Gelli about stupid shit. Really stupid, minuscule, omg-you-left-my-wardrobe-open type of stuff. But there are other times we fight about stuff she doesn't understand - or things I wish I could explain better to her.

It's not like I can bring it up out of the blue. And when I'm there, at that moment, with that pang in my chest ready to burst . . . I become a mess and nothing but jibberish seems to come out of my mouth. I'm so panicked, I can't bring myself to say what I want.

My sister and I share "kind of a friendship." Not in the sense that we hang out and my friends hang with her friends and we have common parties to attend. We're friends in the sense that there's not much of a gap between us. Somewhere along the line, I think I stopped becoming the older sister and just became her sister. And while this friendship sort of relationship is nice because we share things and get mad at each other but forget about it the next day, it makes me wonder if she still respects me or if she does indeed look up to me . . . or see me as a role model.

To be quite honest and frank, I've had my fair share of fuck-ups. My "path" has been filled with little bumps, hiccups etc. I was what you'd call "straight-laced" up to when I was 19. After that I kind of misbehaved. But I didn't really deviate much or more than a 16-year-old teenage rebel would do. I guess I experienced my teenage rebellion at a later age than everyone else.

But I'd like to think I got over that pretty quickly.

My sister on the other hand, did her bad teenager thing at the usual age of 13-15. I wonder if my late rebellion made her see me in a different light. Was it then, when she was getting over her rebellion and I just beginning mine, that she stopped seeing me as an "older sister"?

I like to think I've come a long way since those years of rebellion and even though I've prolonged my studies and effectively started from scratch, I've got some direction in life. I know I might not have much to show for all this "growth" except a big, metaphorical bag of "lessons learnt", but I'm much better than what I used to be. I at least hope I've shown my sister some resilience, despite my self-doubt. I at least hope I've shown her that you can recover from mistakes and that you can come out better at the end of it.

It's silly to wonder. But it would bring me peace of mind to know.

Stuff that awaits

It's ironic that sometimes you need to remove yourself from the everyday to see/realise what you need to be doing. Luckily, my trip to the U.S has given me a kick up the arse - the kind of kick I needed.

Finally, uni schmizzle is over for the semester. Kind of unhappy that I couldn't give my last assessments 100% due to me being here in the States. But it's over and I only hope I pass! I guess now, I can go shopping and sight-seeing without having this constant ache in my chest saying "homework awaits" lol.

And because I've chosen the life of a journo, I have articles to write. CRAZY! I guess the good thing is I can just work on the research and set up some interviews. It's not like my deadline is tomorrow! Phew! But since I've finished up my main internship, I'm STILL kind of worried about finding a new one once I get back. It's anxiety . . . I can't help being a stress-head about that stuff. I've found that with journalism, once you think you can relax, another thing happens and BOOM - it seems like you're light-years away from reaching your goals.

Gah, I'll stop being so boring and stop talking about career stuff.

Since we got back to San Francisco, we've been taking it easy. Unlike when we were in NYC. We had such limited time there that we were always on-the-go. A week later and I STILL love NYC. It's definitely a place everyone needs to visit. And I'm sure I haven't even seen a quarter of it. I could go back there tomorrow and feel as if I had never been there before. It's so huge! I already have plans to return. They're just plans for now, of course. I will feel better once I start a fund for saving or something lol.

And San Francisco. What can I say? I was here one other time before. I think I was 14 years old. So I never really appreciated it. But it's such a beautiful city - it has its own distinct feel. I think I like it a lot because it reminds me of Sydney. But of course, there are things here we don't quite have such as the hilly streets and munis (trolley-like cars that turn into trains or something). Cousins took us to Twin Peaks the other night -- it was FREEZING but still very beautiful (it's a look-out point). I definitely could live here.

Anyway I'll leave it there. I miss my doggies soooooo much!

And my bed...
And my computer...
And GOOD coffee (it's so water-y and tame here)
And healthy food (American food is fattening me up haha)...
And my warm winter coats... it's supposed to be Summer here but San Fran is damn windy!
And I MISS THE GYM AND GOING FOR SWIMS!